I have a problem. I like forward momentum. I live in dreams. I relish in productivity. Okay, not a problem perhaps. Some of you read those few phrases and think nothing but positivity could come from moving forward, passions pursued, and days seeped in accomplishment. Although to every side brings a tempter and every temptation, an inward focus that becomes the slow death of relational aptitude, unhurried living, and abiding contentment.
Even just yesterday I was made all too aware of the deficit of a life moving forward. What I typically enjoy to be some much needed quiet time in those sleepy afternoon hours, my darling 15 month year old wanted instead to color (a story of mine that I know you’ve heard before), and all I could do in those first few moments of desperate realization was mourn the loss of time to myself. Time to live in forward momentum, dreams, and productivity. Fortunately for us both, the next intentional choice I made was to sit on the floor, pull out the crayons, and simply be with her, but the choice did not come as second nature.
That afternoon was a pivotal one, even if having only occurred hours ago. Because there is something rather unique about the time I spend dreaming these days… it is merely that. The projects I have created for these in between spaces bear no financial provision, nor are they the makings of a business plan. I receive no benefit from them but to seemingly exercise a creative muscle. These writings for instance. Consider them no more than a public journal, for the words are my heart in motion, with a dash of elegance thrown in so as to entreat you to do more than skim. Yet they feed my addiction for accomplishment, even to the point where my child stands helplessly at the doorway of a decision.
Although I can’t help but wonder if there is actually a hope for more than accomplishment here. Could you agree that often times our ability to produce merits favor? We want to feel we have something to offer in a way that goes beyond the mundane and repetitive, and more honestly speaking, in a way that stretches outside of our immediate capacity, meandering into the homes of our neighbors, coworkers, and play date friendships. Whether a Golden Retriever or Lion on Smalley’s personality scale, there is a piece of us that looks to others to find, well, a piece of us. The part of us that desperately needs to be made invaluable (which I believe we all do, mind you, whether your love language is words of affirmation or not), yet the part of us that falsely puts such a need into our marketed ability to showcase accomplishments, wit, intellect, or possessions.
Social media has only expanded on this innate craving, and made it socially acceptable. What used to be the public burden of politicians and artists is now for all: The need to gain people’s attention to feel your work, or worse yet, your very self, has value. So we post and share and hope for that little ping of a like or a love that was created to prey off of the sub sequential dopamine hits. (It’s a thing. Google it.) Rather than enveloping ourselves in a tactile community of deep friendships that celebrate and challenge your personhood, we escape to easy access, self boosting on ramps catered to misgivings of identity approval.
Whether a successful business venture or a witty post, we share perhaps first for the sake of the undertaking itself, or to bring a simple laugh to whomever might scroll through Facebook at the right time, but we do not let that be enough. As if that ‘something’ is not good enough until affirmed. As if the words of this writing hold no value, whatever truth might be tucked away in them, until read. And not just by one or two, but by the masses. As if a song must be viewed at least 100,000 times on YouTube before holding the capacity to either entertain or inspire. As if truth spoken is of no use should it be uttered to only a small few who don’t latch on with great adoration. We have surmised that our ability to produce – to live in forward momentum – is only as good as our ability to garner attention.
Allow me to introduce to you the pre-children side of me. Nothing stood, person or crayon box alike, between myself and what my well managed time could both pursue and showcase. My head was full of dreams and my art full of potential. I promoted, expensed, booked, and business-planned my way through shows, merchandise, and even songwriting. Yes, I am ashamed at the number of songs I have written in contrast to the hours spent promoting a name, to the point where I hesitate to call myself a songwriter. Merely a vocalist that kept enough original material in rotation to pull off a slightly flexible 45 minute set. Jordan and I toured the country in what was bound to be the adventure of a lifetime as they say. Although truly the experiences met on the road were remarkable, I was consumed by ticket sales and well-written event descriptions. Not even for the income, mind you (although we certainly needed it) but because the art we had produced, as minimal as it was, felt incomplete without an audience. The need for one wrecked me, for I functioned in the overwhelming belief that every artist needs just that. Where suddenly the point stopped becoming the music itself and instead became a means by which I could attach an invaluable voice to my meek offerings, determined only by someone’s willingness to listen.
Hello. My name is Jennifer and I need your attention. See. I told you I have a problem. Then again, maybe I’m not the only one.
EXPOSITION: Where might you say your drive towards productivity is greatly influenced by the amount of outside attention that your efforts are producing? Where are you looking for attention? Whether an artist needing an audience. A shop owner needing Instagram followers. A mom needing approval. All necessary to a certain end, except when you cannot see yourself as a worthwhile artist, shop owner, mom without them.
RISE: Recall to mind, maybe even write down, why you first chose to step into where you have invested yourself. You may find that a level of attention might be necessary (i.e. shop owners need customers), but has attention determined the value of both your worth and your work? Go back to your reason.
DENOUEMENT: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Paul in his letter to the Galatians)